


this is the beat of my heart.

by flustraaa



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Supportive Magnus Bane, TW: Eating Disorder, character introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-08-10 22:42:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20143186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flustraaa/pseuds/flustraaa
Summary: magnus wants to understand, and alec doesn’t know where to begin.





	this is the beat of my heart.

**Author's Note:**

> this is heavily based off of a conversation i had last night so im asking you to please be gentle if you leave a comment

“Alexander?” Magnus asks one morning, voice feeble— as if scared he’ll chase his husband off. Alec answers only with a hum, still savouring the quiet morning. “Can you explain it to me, my love?” 

The air immediately becomes heavy, and Magnus can feel Alec’s breaths stammer from where his hand lies on the the latter’s chest. 

“I... I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Alec rasps in response, closing his eyes— as if trying to block out the world, shaking his head in negation. “I... _shit_.” 

“I’m _sorry_,” Magnus replies at once, “You don’t have to—“ 

But Alec doesn’t seem to hear him, buried between the realms of frustration and heartbroken silence. 

It takes him a few long moment, before he finds himself murmuring, “It wasn’t on purpose at first— it just happened. I was always in the shadows... and I just figured, maybe even if I couldn’t be a little slimmer, the burn would make me... feel?” 

“Alec, you don’t have to—“ Magnus starts, but Alec pushes on, face contorting in pain. The scars of the past marring him years later. 

“When you look at a sandwich,” He inquires softly, voice hoarse, “What do you see?” 

“Sustenance.... something that is satiating. some thing that I know I like,” Magnus answers, voice faint. Aureus eyes watch as nervous fingers fiddle with his rings. 

“When I look at a sandwich,” Alec begins slowly, cerulean eyes squared in an unfocused manner on the ceiling, “I see _numbers_.” 

He blinks a few times, snapping himself out of his stupor before looking at Magnus— more likely than not, to gauge his beloved’s reaction. 

Upon seeing only curiosity beneath acceptance, he trudges on. “The Institute bread is a hundred calories a piece, a tablespoon of strawberry jelly is sixty, and two tablespoons of peanut butter is one ninety. All together that’s four hundred and fifty.“ 

He can feel Alec trying to remain steady, though he’s clearly shaken. “Alexander, you don’t have to—“ 

“No, I want you to understand... are you okay with this? Is this hurting you? I can stop if you—“ 

“It’s alright darling, I’m just trying to _understand_,” Magnus alleviates, running a thumb over the back of Alec sweaty hand, “I love you.” 

Alec swallows, taking in a few deep breaths to his count before continuing, “It’s more frustrating now— because I look at people, and I think they must think I’m insane— I stare at my food debating on if I should eat it out not— I can’t sit at a meal without wondering if people will judge me.” 

Magnus nods, encouraging Alec to let it out. 

“I always told people not being able to order was a social thing— but it’s because I’m scared they’ll think I’m too fat, corpulent, rotund— whatever— or trying to hard. I’m scared of my own internal bias,” Alec murmurs, a few traitorous tears slipping over his lashes, “I’m never going to look at food and not see a sea of numbers, Magnus. And I hate it.” 

And Magnus doesn’t lie to him, he only presses a soft kiss to Alec cheek, wiping his husbands tears.

“You’re gonna get through this,” He sussurates, pressing kisses along Alec’s face and neck, “Some days will be better than others, and though I can’t pretend to understand— I can assure you I will always be in your corner.” 

It’s at these words that Alec breaks, walls demolished and face finding its way into the crook of Magnus’ neck. 

“Thank you,” He sniffs, wrapping his giraffe-esque limbs around Magnus, “I love you.” 

“I love you too, darling,” Magnus returns, smoothing down raven hair in a calming manner, “To the moon and back.” 


End file.
